Sunday, August 5, 2012

Dear Allison,

You inspired me. You made me want to be brave.

I'm sorry for not saying goodbye.

There are so many things that I will perhaps forget to mention here but I want you to know I LOVE YOU. You are the big sister I never had and I am so very honored that you came into my life.

When I first saw you during our contract signing July 2005, you made such an impression. Tall girl, wearing a long gypsy skirt, with beaded flats. So stylish and unapproachable I remember thinking. But very much intelligent as well from what I could tell from your brief introduction during that day. UP educated and worked in an advertising agency. :) I was jealous of the school. Once upon a time I wanted to go there. We weren't supposed to be batch mates since I was supposed to have the morning schedule 6am-2pm and you were in Wave 32B the afternoon class. (Or did I have it the other way around?) But I swapped schedules with someone because I wanted to attend school too. I thought I could do both. Arrogant me.

We didn't sit together until English class with David. I don't remember who started to speak with who first but I was very relieved that you weren't stuck-up like I first thought you were. Sorry. But have to be very honest here if I can't be anywhere else.

Anyways, because of Sykes I met you. And Toni. And Ayden. "THEM". Would you tell them I love them? Those two guys were the best guy best friends I could have. They were my FIRST guy friends actually now that I think on it.

Alli, you kept me together. There were so many times I wanted to scream and shout and just give up but somehow because you were around being such a strong person in my life I somehow found a bit of courage day by day.

I realize now though that that was a burden I shouldn't have placed on you. Because I was selfish with how I wanted your attention and guidance in almost everything. I was dependent on you too much while we were together at Sykes. (That's why I also admit I was so mad at first when you and Toni shared your news, because I was selfishly thinking that our group wouldn't be the same anymore. That I wouldn't see you both, most especially you, as often because now you had a family to think about. Second emotion I felt was jealousy. Because you had someone who loved you very much and you weren't even sure of your feelings for Toni then.)

I'm sorry for sounding so selfish.

Another thing I think I'll have to apologize for mentioning here if you ever do find it is that as much as I respected your very feminist view on relationships, I could never ever understand your stand on cheating. Although I listened to your tales of having your lovers, I was very much against your choices. How could someone as loved as you were, cheat on that person? And then of course I realize that most of that is envy speaking so I kept the thoughts more hidden in my head. I was looked at love with such rose-colored glasses didn't I?

I wish I could have stopped thinking with my heart as well. Maybe it wouldn't be so broken today. :(

I'm going to miss you so much.

I love you Alli.

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